Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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