I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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