i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
