Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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