She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Shame is for Republicans.
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