Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize