it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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