My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
