Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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