One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
