WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
