Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
