It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
