i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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