Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
