This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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