whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
