I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
