Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
3pm strippers are depressing
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
