I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
