I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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