Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
