When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
