toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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