I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Small penises have feelings too.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
