I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We are two peas in an std pod
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
