my being single is dangerous.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
