9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
