Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
