you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I can't turn off my feet"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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