Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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