just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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