3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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