we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
