Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
