this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
