every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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