woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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