I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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