billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
smell my finger.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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