My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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