I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize