the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
