the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
