Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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