I accidentally had phone sex last night
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
