I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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