she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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