That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
