I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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