The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
