dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
