why do cheetos always look like penises
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
