This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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