I've blown a few things in my day
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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