My liver just broke up with me...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
