She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
