I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
